Thanksgiving & Other Sappy Stuff

It's that time again............when we are expected one day a year to sit back and think about everything we should be thankful for........yep, one day a year.......it's kind of pathetic isn't it?  In our hectic lives, we can only devote one day a year to counting our blessings.  Yep......that's what our society has come to.......

Oh well, here it goes:

1.  I'm obviously thankful for my family.......the whole big mess of them....the ones that I don't see very often...who bounce around all over and live very far away.  But, I'm particularly fond of Mr. P & I am actually very grateful for him every day.  Even on days I fuss about his little annoying things, I am thankful for that man.  I am thankful to have been able to be able to provide a safe haven for my PC as she moved home.  I'm thankful for my Little Bit.  There is no one who can know how thankful I am for her.  I'm also very thankful for my brother Joe......

2.  I'm thankful for Yellow Dog.  I adore the big fluffy marshmallow.  As I am sitting here, cooking turkey dinner and writing, he is sitting at my feet.

He is just amazing.  He took the pain of Bonnie away and I am thankful for him every single day.   I am also pretty damn thankful for our little sausage, Petey Weetie & Funny Face Henry Poncho Pittie Maybe Mastiff Holy Gunna Be A Big Dog Puppy.

3.  I'm grateful for my job and some wonderful co-workers.  I love them, even on days when we are grouchy with each other.  It's a high stress environment.  It's hard work.  It's long days.  But, I love you guys and I am thankful for you.......

4.  I'm thankful for my horses and the wonderful place we've landed.  We are truly blessed.  I love them each for the special creatures they are:  Sam, Eve, Sundance, Nitro, Oreo, Libby, Bonanza & 2Socks.

5.  I'm thankful for my writing support team.  We are going to get this stuff published.  I just have to be patient and listen to what they are saying.  I'm sure Joe Green Eyes knows what he is talking about.  I am thankful for your advice.  Yes, I am listening.  Yes, I am taking it.....

6.  I'm oh so thankful for white chocolate mocha.

7.  I'm very thankful for synthroid and topomax & getting rid of Elvira.  After 18 mos, I'm FINALLY feeling well.  No more pain.  No more lethargy.  No more headaches.  18 pounds off and counting.  :)

8.  I have to say that I am thankful for veneers.  I can smile again.  Really smile.  While this is just a short term cosmetic fix......I can laugh and smile and be happy.  For anyone who cares, I am really happy.

9.  I'm thankful for new friends.  There are some very special people who have come into my life and our lives........It's been 19 mos exactly since we moved to Fulton.  We have all made some new friends & this is our home.  While I know it may sadden some of our old friends and family, it's unlikely we are ever coming "home".  St. Charles and the life we had there is a long time ago really.  I miss Jamie.....I miss Lisa....I miss Angela......but I'm thankful for my new life in Central Missouri & the new friends that not only I am making but for those people coming into the lives of my immediate family.   

10.  Finally, I'm thankful for anti-stalking laws.  Bright orange is really not becoming on anyone.  For this, I am also thankful.  For the record, I am sure someone is reading this.  Other people are sure that person is reading this as well.  I hope you will enjoy your 10x10 cell where you will have to read the same boring magazine every day.  Got to love Evolution.  I"m kinda thankful for that too!!!

There Is Nothing Better Than........

.....a warm fall day & being able to walk out of the back door of your barn to see this:

Unless perhaps it's this:

I cannot tell anyone how happy I am to have Bones back with us and to be able to tell my BFF that he will NEVER go anywhere again.  PINKIE PROMISE.

Now, get your cute little arse end out here so we can ride these fatties before winter hits full force!

Just a Little Tease

As I sat down in the amazing chair my Uncle Jake bought me as a graduation present.  It fit perfectly under the window of my dorm room and look out over the quad.  I loved this chair.  It was chic and funky at the same time.  I looked out over the quad, it was a flurry of activity with girls moving in.  There were hugs and tears and even cursing as a dog on a leash would occasionally tangle up a dad trying to move heavy boxes into the lobby of one of the buildings.  A pet friendly campus was one of the draws to choosing this school

Holy shit, I was actually moved into my dorm.  Freshman year at college and it was going to be freaking amazing.  

A sudden motion caught my eye.  Athena, my tiger striped cat found her new condo kitty and had jumped from the floor to the top  ledge.  She peered out the other window for a moment and then curled up in a ball.  Looks like the accommodations are more than appropriate.  

I snagged my schedule from my desk.  I didn't want to miss orientation for my work study program this evening.  I was completely thrilled.  I got my first pick:  stable hand!!!  Something I was used to and loved to do.  I also was hoping to be able to get one of the coveted exercise positions but those usually went to upperclassmen.  If it happened, it happened; if not, no big deal.  Life was just about perfect.

All except for that one little thing.  The one thing that could not let me ever truly be at peace.  The thing that always had me looking over my shoulder and would sometimes wake me up at night in a cold sweat.

The reason why I didn't want to go away to college, leaving my parents but especially my mom.  It's not what you might think.  I am not afraid for myself.  I worry about them.  Both of them.  With me no longer at home, it might leave them vulnerable to the wicked thing.

Trust me, if I had my way, I would take care of it.  But, just how do you deal with a psychotic nineteen year old girl who stalks your family and is fixated on your parents?

Well.............there it is.  The prologue of the book.
We are still working on the artwork for the cover.  
Thankfully, there's been A LOT of new material for it recently (wink wink)

If all goes well, this book should be available by the end of January.  I met with the editor over a really yummy cup of white chocolate mocha and James said that we are going to push for a hard back publish INSTEAD of an online gig.

While mentioning my editor, I have to thank him for some serious guidance on this book.  The original write of this book felt so much like "Letters" that it pretty much was the same book with just a different topic.  With gentle suggestions and careful considerations and then a heartfelt "Honey, pitch the whole F***ing thing and start over.  The topic and the STORY is a moneymaker but the style is used up."

So, I threw the whole thing.........all 623 pages in my trashcan computer and hit DELETE
I started FRESH with a new perspective.  

Once we really got into the editing of the book and changing the direction of this book, it became very liberating and freeing.  I have to say something here:

For several years, I have allowed people to walk on me for fear of losing clients when in reality, I needed to be a super big bitch and set very strict boundaries and limits.  I also let people know that I cared about them.....this gave them power over me with three words.  "You scared me."

I have news for every person who ever said that to me AFTER I pulled my bitch card and played it.  I was PROTECTING myself after you tried to screw me out of money, my livelihood and in many cases....breaking the law.

Case in point, there was a peach of a young lady who made it a point to break the rules.  She consistently rode with her cell phone out texting and when she was called on it & I took her cell phone away during drill team, I was called the wicked witch of the west.....only not so nicely.
Trust me, that sweet young thing mad the Godfather movies look rated G with as many times as she threw the F Bomb at me.  Then, after walking off MY ranch, she came back to give it to me again.  I never raised my voice.  I did not curse back.

Yet, the next day, I was informed that "You scare us."

Nah, it's an excuse and a way to try to bully me not into using the law to come after what is rightfully mine such as unpaid board, stiffed farrier and vet fees that I had to pay, charges posted to feed store accounts, stop payment on checks for services rendered, and yes, even horses that were sold to clients who merrily walked off with them without finishing paying for them.  

I turned the other cheek but "You scare me" was left ringing in my ears.

I am really sure that when you accepted that FREE HORSE after yours died of colic because your mother had to run for a cup of coffee instead of continuing to walk him, "I scared you"..... I'm also sure when you spent countless hours in my house year after year, "I scared you".

My response to this is now "Whatever"..............but I digress.
As those of you who know me have watched, there has been a transformation as this liberation took place.  

While it may be cliche', the saying is so very true:  The truth will set you free.
Sadly, some people cannot tell the truth.
It's not they don't want to; they are SICK.
When you have had a psychotic break and are experiencing delusions, hallucinations, and appear to have more than one mental illness going on, you can't help it.

While I may pity you, I will not allow myself to be trapped.  
YOU, my friend are the scary one.

Deep, deep dark levels of scary.

I also want to thank my friend for helping me understand schizoaffective disorder.
While I am not going to change my view and turn this book into something with fuzzy bunnies and unicorns that blow glitter and butterflies out their nostrils, I understand it's IMPOSSIBLE for the truth to set the antagonist of my book free.

She's a prisoner of her own mental illness.

Sawed Off Double Barreled Shotgun

Sometimes you just got to fire off a round to remind people that you are not to be messed with.

Sadly, when you are forced to fire off a round, it's often because people cannot leave things be.
People have their own agendas and just don't want to admit to it.
While trying to manipulate the world to see things their way and try to make themselves feel better, they twist things around.......all the while......forgetting the truth.........

Honesty and integrity are lost on these people and when you raise the shotgun up, they go:

"Whaaaaaat did I do???"

Figure it out.

Realty vs. Delusions

The reality is, I don't really pay much attention to things that are not right in front of me.  I don't have time any more.  I'm too busy with the things that matter in my life.  So, I still find it amusing there are people who think I care about what they are doing or even give them a passing thought.

I know for a fact, though I am not going to reveal exactly how I know this, that I am being stalked almost daily by someone.  Since I know you are reading this I have some sage advice:

Move on.  Get over it.  Seek professional help.

There are some serious delusions that I care about what people who have come into my life and left for whatever their reasons were.  I don't.  I'm happy.

I have a great job that I love.........even on days when it's rough, I really love my job.
I have my two kids and my two dogs.  My horses are safe and happy.
Our new home is awesome.

I have created a new life.  This is reality.

Well.....It's Been Awhile

It's been 2 mos since the last post.........Life is relatively boring.
We've settled into a routine:  work-horses-sleep....work-horses-sleep.....work-night to flop on couch-sleep
Yup, that's pretty much how it goes.

But....there's been a lot going on!!!

Let me preface this with saying I am sharing this info with my friends both close and wide.  Yes, it opens me up to nosy people who have an ax to grind due to their own mental illnesses and incapacitates.  Those aren't really my issues or problems.  It's on them.  If they choose to stalk me here, steal pics and make up lies....how pathetic are their lives?  At least I give meaning to someone I suppose!

Both LEG and I say "THHHHHHHHPPPP on them."

A couple of weeks ago, we posted a pic of LB riding a really nice drafty paint mare. We bought her as an investment horse for LB's FFA SAE and she really was not working out.  She preferred men and since Mr. P sure the heck is not riding.......I cannot remember the last time he was on a horse.........he just trims them which I am extremely grateful for.........anyway, no dudes around to handle her or ride her so we decided to sell her.  I IMMEDIATELY had some yahoos trying to tell me how wrong it was for us to sell a horse.

DUR DEE DURRRRR.........If NO ONE ever sells a horse, how can you BUY one.

Furthermore, we sold her to a g male rider.......who loves her and is planning on doing a little team sorting on her tank-like self........She's literally down the road from where we keep our other horses and she's in an AMAZING home!!!

We sold her for enough money let us buy a very nice Appendix TB and have a little $$$ in our pocket for gas and lunch on the day we went to pick up 2 Socks.  For my horse friends and stalkers alike.......especially the stalkers because we know how much you like to dig on the internet.........so do me a favor and figure this out...........we are looking for some INFO about 2 socks.

2 Socks...the Cloudy Eye

Here's what we were told:
He was boarded at Timberline Stables in New Bloomfield, MO and was being barrel raced.  According to the seller, he was a SKELETON when she bought him.  He was easy for them to handle while he was skinny but once fattened up, he began testing them.  She referred to him as BARN SOUR.  He also has a cloudy left eye and was sold as "blind" though field and stain testing shows he still has sight in it.  He was fussy on his test drive but we liked him.  He stands tied quietly for tacking, grooming, etc.  He stands perfectly still for mounting.  He rides nicely at the walk, trot, and lope and backs just lovely.  He is not hot at all but seems a little unbalanced, more than likely from lack of exercise.

2 Socks

Front Shot of 2 Socks

Anyway, we want to know more about 2 Socks.  If you can help us, please do!!!

Dixie, Libby, and Ozzy have also entered our lives.....a chestnut pony mare, a cute little gray roan appy and the most adorable miniature X Shetland I have ever met.  Libby and Dixie are investment horses for LB's SAE and I got Ozzy as a therapy horse with the hopes that he will one day be able to meander the courtyard at work bringing joy an mood stabilization to my patients.  A good friend is working on finding a reasonably priced harness and small wagon for Oz-man to pull.  Secretly, I am hoping for a RED WAGON and a black harness.........Ozzy has total rock star hair and I think he would look beyond Mick Jagger in a rig like that.

I am also THRILLED that Bonanza has reappeared in our life.  I just wish Baby J could get her arse end out my direction so we can go riding.  I may just have to have someone kidnap her..........

Don't worry, J.  Bones is staying with me forever........the girls love riding him (you should have seen Big Red riding him across the field, she opened him up and let him fly........he loved it and she had a blast too!!)  He's hanging out with LEG and the rest of my crew.........often the first to the gate to see me unless Sam chases him off before he can get there.

Speaking of Sam, he surprised me the other night and I could not help but have a tear slip down my cheek.  When I got out of my truck, he let loose with a HUGE whinny and the sound of it stopped me in my tracks.  It was the EXACT whinny Jack used to use.  I stopped and watched my boy gallop away from the away and prance at the gate, all excited to see me.  He let loose with that whinny again and in the distance, thunder rolled and just for an instance, as it trailed off, the old familiar sound of heavy hooves, a sound I will never forget or let go of, echoed across the sky.  As I kissed Sammy's soft nose, I reminded myself that Sam was with Jack for years.......best buddies.....so why wouldn't he know "my whinny".......

Sammy's a good boy and makes me smile and laugh almost every day........he gets a pout on his face if I don't slip the halter over his nose......he figured out that I have broken my own cardinal rule and carry cookies in a pocket......he's created his own way of showing affection to me........holding his face out in front of mine and brushing the side of it against my cheek (He copied this from Eve) but licking my cheek is all his move.  I can't believe how long I've been riding this horse........I looked through papers the other day and it was the spring of 2000 when he came into my life as a rowdy 2 yr old......13 yrs.......best $600 I ever spent on a horse!!

Moving right along........Sundance.......He's our fall project......I hope by Thanksgiving he is completely under saddle......he is so silly, sticking his nose in the halter when we go to get a horse to ride......he wants to come along and we've been slacking..........no more, he's going to wear his saddle and pony EVER time we ride......He's such a sweetheart........can't wait to see how this turns out........it's been a long, long, long time coming.

LEG, Oreo, Nitro.......are all spoiled rotten and enjoying the hours we get to spend in the saddle with them.......

I HATE that winter is around the bend.......but on the upside, we board where there's a nice warm barn with indoor riding so maybe winter won't be THAT bad.........who the heck am I kidding.........

EVERY WINTER IS AWFUL !!!!!!!!!

As for the rest of my life........
Yellow Dog is a freaking awesome therapy dog and LOVES to go to work.

Pete is getting his TDI certification and is well on his way to being a therapy dog.

Alice is a trainwreck but one of the sweetest kittens I've ever met.......just very rowdy

Suckerfish and the rest of the crew are awaiting a new stand for their 50 gallon tank and there have been no more adventures under the bookcase since adjusting the water level and filter location.
LB got an early acceptance to her 1st choice college and is rocking it hard core as the FFA president, student director of Chamber Singers and all the other stuff she's busy with........
PC will graduate in May though it was touch and go there for minute last week due to an audit error with her courses........she's also apparently a WONDERFUL nanny according to rumors!!  :)
Mr. P is super busy with school......he seems happier this year and BUSY BUSY BUSY!!

As for me, professionally, I LOVE my job.  I cannot say it enough:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

I have a super boss, work with some wicked nurses and am learning tons from a talented psychiatrist!!!

It's a rare day I wake up thinking "Ewww I don't want to go to work"

I love doing the "Friday dance"......I get a kick out of therapy groups.......It's so much fun to take YD to work and watch the patients faces light up when they can play with him.......My job rocks!!

I've resigned myself after a discussion with another literary agent to self publish the books......I hope to have this done before the end of the year.

Letters to Y......will be first to hit the net, followed closely by Lily Unguilded (though the name may change).

I'm working on a scary book now.........it must be pretty good because I scared the living daylights out of myself writing before bed and had a very real, terrifying dream.........

That's about it for now........

Decisions & Live With The Consequences

Wow!!!  I cannot believe it's been so long since I posted here. I guess I've been busier than I realized. Funny how when your life changes so radically so quickly, you forget to sit back and relax.  I guess that's what I'm doing tonight.

Good night for it since my cell dropped out of my pocket this evening and hit the top of my phone with the corner.  It came down hard.  The whole top of my foot is swollen and black; I'm not so sure I didn't fracture something.

Anyway, while I am sitting with it propped up, I caught myself reflecting on the last year.  It's been a whirlwind!  There have been quite a few ups.  And, lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of downs.

I suppose the biggest change outside of the move was the decision to close our ranch.  It's been very hard on us, especially Little Bit because it's all she's ever known.  Boarding is something we HAVE to do and neither of us are happy with it.  It's limiting.  We are at the mercy of other people.  Unfortunately, due to decisions we made, choices if you will, we must live with the consequences and boarding is one of those.

I think the most important thing I've gleaned from this year is to live with the consequences of choices, even when a catalyst pushed me to "have to" make a change.  I was the one who made the decision of "what to do next".  When unhappy with the choice, I had no one to blame but myself.

July 2012, I chose to close the ranch.  I sold most of the horses and forfeited a hefty chunk of change by not choosing to go forward with purchasing a piece of property.  I am happy with that choice.  I have not ever once looked back and said "what if...."  However, I had no idea what types of changes we would be in for shortly thereafter...............

July 17th, I lose my job.  My position was eliminated.  It happens.  You bet your sweet ass I was angry, especially after relocating our life here for that job and hubby giving up his job of 17 yrs.  I suppose I could have gone all crazy and had a lawyer sue since I had emails and contracts and letters confirming my appointment would continue and a signed contract; but, what do you do really?   Tons of people across the U.S. have experienced this.  I did what I felt was the best choice: Go look for a new job.

July found us with more sadness as our dear sweet Sophie lost her eyesight completely.  She injured herself and while on the mend, hurt herself again.  Little Bit made a tough call and opted to put her beautiful mare down.  She could no longer safely go out in the pasture and it seemed cruel to leave her stalled 24/7.  Not to mention, that would require HUGE amounts of hay and it was SCARCE!!!!

From July until October, we barely scraped by.  The only thing keeping us going was selling off the horses and equipment.  We made a list starting with the horses that we knew could easily find homes and those that were "business" horses....basically now just standing around since we were no longer working.  .To make matters worse, we had to deal with the "handyman" living in our house, not paying the electric as he was supposed to per our landlord and running the bill up to just under $1000.

Late August, I though my world would end.  Lady Eve was bit by a copperhead, once on her leg and then the deadly bite in the muscle on the right side of her neck.  We waited days to see if the poison had envenomed in her bloodstream.  I prayed every time I opened the barn door that she was on her feet and not lying dead from a heart attack.  She pulled through the dangerous days and our whole family worked tirelessly to pack the wound and keep the flies out.  We were lucky and I was so thankful that I barely noticed how tough every day was.

In October, we caught a break.  I was offered an amazing job and the guy moved.  However, the break was short lived as we were still playing catch up and our landlord started making noises about selling the property.

Why didn't we just say "Done and head back from whence we came?"

Little Bit..........she was happy and loving life, even though things were tight and we struggled, she was thriving in her new environment.  Nothing was going to change that; we made a commitment to doing whatever was needed so she could stay where she felt at home. 

The threat of selling the house loomed over us through the holidays, with a broken dishwasher and stove, the only thing saving both Thanksgiving and Christmas was my mom and brother bringing out food.  Hell, if my mom had not brought food out to us, I'm sure we would have been much thinner.  After all, we still had our few riding horses and they always eat before us..........

By late winter, we were tired.  The constant issues at the house and frustration at the little acreage ranch were building.  We decided to move the horses into a boarding facility, especially as we just couldn't even ride out there, the property owner was too afraid of a fall.  Little Bit cried for days.  Boarding scares her since as long as she can remember, we either owned the barn or I was a trainer for the barn where my horse were.  This time, we would pay cash and pray they took care of our horses.  It came with a heavy price tag, heftier than just our board.  We had to sell 2 more horses and our sheep.  Heartbreaking since just 7 weeks later, we moved to yet another barn.  Call me crazy but if you are paying for someone to feed your horses........they should feed them.  Let me be more specific, feed them properly.   This means no mold in the hay, grained 2x a day with their supplements and fresh water. 

Our new move meant more money out and more sacrifices.  Harry our Llama was sold to the petting zoo who bought our breeding bucks years ago.  He's down the highway a piece and happy as he can be.  During this little mess, we ended up with a shot engine on hubby's truck.

Did I mention PC's apartment building burned down as well?  If you ever wished our family bad luck, your wish was granted.

Things seemed "ok" at the new barn.  The barn manager offered LB a job cleaning stalls in exchange for her board.  Kid worked her ass off and the cheapskate paid her a measly $2.50 an hour.  It didn't even come CLOSE to trade out in her board.  Not to mention she was treated like dirt by the boarders and the "interns" all of whom kept their horse's there for FREE in exchange for cleaning 1-2 stalls a day.  LB was feeding 40+ horses, watering them and mucking out 13-17 stalls a day.  Yeah, life's not fair............we know.

However, this was the LEAST of our worries as we woke up one morning to find there had been a minor fire in our living room.  Either an electrical cord sparked or the outlet and the curtains caught fire.  Thankfully, the only thing ruined was a small bit of old wallpaper and the curtains.  But, I'd had enough.  We were moving...........AGAIN

I've aid once before that my life is a cosmic joke, we get a text from our LL saying "I need to talk to you guys" to which I respond "Ok good but you need to know we're moving by July 1".  I got silence after that.  Two days later we get a knock on the door from an appraiser and an electrician.  Seems our LL sold the house pending the appraisal and just "forget" to tell us.

Somehow, by the grace of God, we found a house in our same neighborhood.  It doesn't have electrical issues.  It doesn't have unwelcomed house guests.  There are no ghosts or gas leaks or $1000 electric bills. We've now been here 21 days.

Our horses have been moved again as well. Let's just say I continue to have issues with my horses not having clean water and people not providing hay to them.  We've landed in a very quiet barn.  There's no show team here or push to "turn and burn".  There's no competition.  There are a handful of horses owned by college students who show up once in a blue moon....vet school is hard and time consuming.  There's also a professional saddlebred trainer who comes out, fusses with his 3 training projects and leaves.  No one but LB and I use the arena.  It's kind of fun to be riding out behind the barn as the dinner theatre 1099s re-enactment dinner train comes by and the passengers press their noses to the window while the conductor blows his horn "hello" to us. 

For the 1st time in over a year, I am at peace.  I love my job (though there were times I thought otherwise).  I love my house.  I love the quiet, stillness of the barn.  And, it reminds me that I've made my bed so in it I must lie.

I cannot hold onto the regret of some of the horses that have been sold or who have passed on.  I encourage others who read this to do the same.  I also have found that cherishing every day is so important because you never know when you may have to make a decision and live with the consequences............