Just a Little Tease

As I sat down in the amazing chair my Uncle Jake bought me as a graduation present.  It fit perfectly under the window of my dorm room and look out over the quad.  I loved this chair.  It was chic and funky at the same time.  I looked out over the quad, it was a flurry of activity with girls moving in.  There were hugs and tears and even cursing as a dog on a leash would occasionally tangle up a dad trying to move heavy boxes into the lobby of one of the buildings.  A pet friendly campus was one of the draws to choosing this school

Holy shit, I was actually moved into my dorm.  Freshman year at college and it was going to be freaking amazing.  

A sudden motion caught my eye.  Athena, my tiger striped cat found her new condo kitty and had jumped from the floor to the top  ledge.  She peered out the other window for a moment and then curled up in a ball.  Looks like the accommodations are more than appropriate.  

I snagged my schedule from my desk.  I didn't want to miss orientation for my work study program this evening.  I was completely thrilled.  I got my first pick:  stable hand!!!  Something I was used to and loved to do.  I also was hoping to be able to get one of the coveted exercise positions but those usually went to upperclassmen.  If it happened, it happened; if not, no big deal.  Life was just about perfect.

All except for that one little thing.  The one thing that could not let me ever truly be at peace.  The thing that always had me looking over my shoulder and would sometimes wake me up at night in a cold sweat.

The reason why I didn't want to go away to college, leaving my parents but especially my mom.  It's not what you might think.  I am not afraid for myself.  I worry about them.  Both of them.  With me no longer at home, it might leave them vulnerable to the wicked thing.

Trust me, if I had my way, I would take care of it.  But, just how do you deal with a psychotic nineteen year old girl who stalks your family and is fixated on your parents?

Well.............there it is.  The prologue of the book.
We are still working on the artwork for the cover.  
Thankfully, there's been A LOT of new material for it recently (wink wink)

If all goes well, this book should be available by the end of January.  I met with the editor over a really yummy cup of white chocolate mocha and James said that we are going to push for a hard back publish INSTEAD of an online gig.

While mentioning my editor, I have to thank him for some serious guidance on this book.  The original write of this book felt so much like "Letters" that it pretty much was the same book with just a different topic.  With gentle suggestions and careful considerations and then a heartfelt "Honey, pitch the whole F***ing thing and start over.  The topic and the STORY is a moneymaker but the style is used up."

So, I threw the whole thing.........all 623 pages in my trashcan computer and hit DELETE
I started FRESH with a new perspective.  

Once we really got into the editing of the book and changing the direction of this book, it became very liberating and freeing.  I have to say something here:

For several years, I have allowed people to walk on me for fear of losing clients when in reality, I needed to be a super big bitch and set very strict boundaries and limits.  I also let people know that I cared about them.....this gave them power over me with three words.  "You scared me."

I have news for every person who ever said that to me AFTER I pulled my bitch card and played it.  I was PROTECTING myself after you tried to screw me out of money, my livelihood and in many cases....breaking the law.

Case in point, there was a peach of a young lady who made it a point to break the rules.  She consistently rode with her cell phone out texting and when she was called on it & I took her cell phone away during drill team, I was called the wicked witch of the west.....only not so nicely.
Trust me, that sweet young thing mad the Godfather movies look rated G with as many times as she threw the F Bomb at me.  Then, after walking off MY ranch, she came back to give it to me again.  I never raised my voice.  I did not curse back.

Yet, the next day, I was informed that "You scare us."

Nah, it's an excuse and a way to try to bully me not into using the law to come after what is rightfully mine such as unpaid board, stiffed farrier and vet fees that I had to pay, charges posted to feed store accounts, stop payment on checks for services rendered, and yes, even horses that were sold to clients who merrily walked off with them without finishing paying for them.  

I turned the other cheek but "You scare me" was left ringing in my ears.

I am really sure that when you accepted that FREE HORSE after yours died of colic because your mother had to run for a cup of coffee instead of continuing to walk him, "I scared you"..... I'm also sure when you spent countless hours in my house year after year, "I scared you".

My response to this is now "Whatever"..............but I digress.
As those of you who know me have watched, there has been a transformation as this liberation took place.  

While it may be cliche', the saying is so very true:  The truth will set you free.
Sadly, some people cannot tell the truth.
It's not they don't want to; they are SICK.
When you have had a psychotic break and are experiencing delusions, hallucinations, and appear to have more than one mental illness going on, you can't help it.

While I may pity you, I will not allow myself to be trapped.  
YOU, my friend are the scary one.

Deep, deep dark levels of scary.

I also want to thank my friend for helping me understand schizoaffective disorder.
While I am not going to change my view and turn this book into something with fuzzy bunnies and unicorns that blow glitter and butterflies out their nostrils, I understand it's IMPOSSIBLE for the truth to set the antagonist of my book free.

She's a prisoner of her own mental illness.