Supermassive Black Hole

The last 2 weeks have felt very much like being sucked into a black hole........with no way out.
Scary thing about black holes is they are quite beautiful and you don't realize how dangerous they are.

Yes......I'm kind of feeling that way about the people involved in my personal Supermassive Black Hole.

It took an old friend to remind me that I am much stronger than any black hole out there......
In 2008, I lost my best friend in the world.  He and I spent two very private hours together in which he snuggled me and I knew that he love me more than anything in the world.  3 hours later, he was dead.

I thought I was going to die too.  I felt as if a piece of my soul was gone and I didn't know what to do.
Later that day, the biggest owl I've ever seen showed up at our farm.  It's an unusual creature.  First of all, he's HUGE barn owl but much larger than one I've ever seen.  Additionally, he's got a paint horse on his chest.......the perfect shape of one.

This owl does not live in Moscow Mills among the old trees there........he has been seen in Montgomery City and Friday morning, he was sitting on my porch.

Can you see him?  He's sitting about 90 feet up and that's zoomed.

Now, many people see the owl as an omen of something bad ....foreboding. When he first arrived, I was told the same thing and I was terrified.  He sat in my Jack's stall looking at the house and calling.  Finally, I went out and told him "shoooo".  Instead, he hopped down and walked towards me.  I was beyond scared.

I ran and called the Cherokee medicine man who helped me with Jack's injuries and healing.  He told me not to fear my owl and taught me to embrace owl and my heritage.  He scolded me for not remembering.  It was then my dreams began and I was able to heal from losing Jack.........

http://www.cherokee.org/AboutTheNation/Culture/General/TheTraditionalBeliefSystem.aspx

I do not fear my owl...I find it quite significant that my owl is red and white.  I thanked my owl for coming to remind me to not allow myself to forget who I am and where I have come from.

I think I've not had enough time in the woods, near the water and the rocks and with my horses.  I miss my mustang.  The Lady Eve is quite the angel.  I miss burying my face in her neck and getting lost in the scent of her.  I miss her rubbing her face against mine and her soft husky nicker.  I miss my Sammy and taking off into the woods........knowing he will bring me home safe and sound every time.

Winter is so hard on me and this year its really tough.  I am so happy with where our horses are.  Our barn owners are amazing.  My horses are in such good hands........I do not worry that I have not personally laid eyes on them in 6 days.  Little Bit has seen them and I don't panic with them out there.  But, my soul is not well........I am going to have to figure out how to get them to an arena for some saddle time with these short days and dark cold nights.

Ok........so this black hole........I came out the other side.......but I'm not sure how to fix the damage that has been done.......

Damage that I had nothing to do with.............

Funny thing about the black hole is before I got sucked into it, I also got trucked by a cosmic bus, thrown under it by people who claim to be my friends.  I am not going to go into details because public shaming is not my thing.  While I would love to put them in virtual stocks and let some of my real friends throw fruit at them.....it's not going to make things any better.

I don't mind sharing some of what has happened:
I was lied about.......  Things I NEVER said...words put in my mouth to CYA other's butts....and this has now caused huge TRUST issues with people who held me in high regard and with respect.....now they look at me funny.  How can I repair something like that without it looking like a case of "me think the lady doth protest too much?"    My answer:   SAYING NOTHING AT ALL and PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN
I figure if the people looking at me differently want to broach the subject, they will.
Until then, I'll pretend I don't notice them looking at me different.

I was accused of stealing things.  Not just stealing them....but stealing them to prevent other people from doing something.  For the record, the things I "stole" were my own belongings.  I'm not sure how you steal your own stuff......but apparently it's possible.  Anyway....the reason for me "taking" my own stuff....is there are not enough hours in the day and I needed to sit at my dining room table to finish a project.  A project I was doing for EVERYONE and for other people.  I really, really, really LOVED being accused of stealing when I was doing something nice.

On that same note, I was accused of "not being a team player".......but it was more than that.  I was accused of this because I said "NO".  Mind you, I was directly TOLD to say "NO".  Now that I am saying "NO", I am not only a NOT a team playing but I'm also a "mean, vicious bitch".

I received 3 notes under my office door over the last two weeks.  ALL of them were typed and unsigned......now, this is the sign of a coward.  I don't believe for 1 minute it was 3 different people.  Quite frankly, I believe it was a "team" effort.  Especially since one note stated: "Everyone hates you.  Your a sutck up bitch and your not that special.  You think your the only one who can do your job. Anyone can do it."

No....those aren't MY typos.  That's the grammatical errors in the typed letter.  Whomever typed it doesn't know how to use spell check or have enough sense to know that "your" and "you're" are homophones.  I have my suspects as to who typed this and slipped it under my door.

My desk was gone into and personal items removed without asking.  My friends know that I will give a stranger anything they need.  EVERYONE who truly knows me has told me for my entire life that I am TOO GENEROUS.  So....in a way.....it's kind of amusing that people felt they had to go jack things from my desk.  I guess I'd laugh about it if I wasn't hurt about the lack of respect.

Maybe people think I'm just butthurt.........maybe I am........but it really hurt.  It stung....until my owl showing up and reminded me who I am..........

In reality, there may have been irreparable damage done to relationships. Professional opinions may have changes.  Friendships may have been permanently changed.  Thing about burned bridges, they can be rebuilt......it's just a long tedious process...........it's painful.  You might get splinters.

But.......in order for that to happen, you have to kick the rubble out of the way.  I decided Friday, I would do that.  I gathered up the trash, the pieces of broken wood and burned ashes and threw them into the river, letting the water take them down stream........washing away the ugliness.

Yes......I've purged here.  Sometimes you have to so you don't hold all the icky inside.........

As my friends know......my beloved Jack not only lives in my heart and gallops into my dreams when I need him......but he lives on my left shoulder blade.....I spent years on his back....now he will spend the rest of his life on mine............and when my Sam and Eve leave this world to gallop with him, they will join him on my back.......it's an unfinished piece of art........which will eventually take up my whole back....Sam on my right and Evie in the middle....with a fence rail until them and shamrock wrapping the posts....... I hope I'm 114 before I need to finish it.........

But I've been thinking about how to keep my demons away....whether they are real or imagined and I think perhaps a I need an owl for protection.......and red and white one...........Guess once Little Bit is done.....Mom needs to go back to see Adya!

All he needs is a paint horse on his chest!