I'm stuck in Missouri.......because I was doing for others.
I'm sure there is someone out there who is going to read this and call me a selfish bitch; but, I don't really care. Truth is truth; and, yes, it really does hurt.
I spent years of my life training youth riders, providing therapy to those who other facilities would not take and providing quiet, safe family horses to people at reasonable prices. For this, I've been called everything but "white" and accused of everything from lying to cheating to stealing to animal abuse. I've turned the other cheek time and time again. I always believed the people I was provided a service to at reasonable prices would be grateful or thankful or something.
Instead, when things don't go their way, they point fingers and make up lies.
Or, when they want to move on, they create accusations.
I'm not stupid. People are not going to board their horses forever. There comes a time in every students life when they are ready to move forward, move on, or just plain quit. I can count the number of students who needed to move their horses or change disciplines who did so with dignity, grace, and remained in close contact to this day.
The rest, I assume felt some kind of guilt. It's human nature really, part of the psyche. To preserve one's own comfort, equilibrium so to speak, you must lay blame on someone else. This means you are free to move on, make a change, and the other person is the bad guy.
I'm not stupid. I saw all of the moves to make me out to be the bad guy long before the person who was wanting to make a change even realized they were posturing. Kids pushing the rules of the barn. People suddenly going "trail riding" at a pay operation even though they owned a horse and never bothered to take their own horse out to a park or invest in a trailer. Trashing my barn, stiffing me with vet and farrier bills, not paying their board.........but, I'm the bad guy.
I'm stuck here now, when I could have left years ago. I always thought when "this day" came, I'd quietly retire and feel at peace. As the snow fell, I had a great sense of loss and despair come over me. In some ways, I feel like I wasted the last 12 yrs of my life.
Then, I shake it off and have to thank every last one of the people who screwed us out of board or abandoned 5 horses with us or moved out in the middle of the night. Your idiotic behavior has led to a book which I hope to have out in hard copy by mid-summer. Thank you.......without your thoughtless, unkind, immoral behavior, I would not have the material for the book!!!!
I resigned myself to the idea that I'm stuck in a small town where I have no friends nearby for at least another 5 yrs. Little Bit is happy, happy here and THAT is important. I'm excited she's looking at the liberal arts college down the street. I'm ecstatic she wants to stay home in her "college pad' we're creating on the 2nd floor of this old house. March 23rd we have a college day and hopefully, she'll get some great scholarship offers!!
It doesn't change the fact that I made life choices out of concern for people who would sooner kick me in the head than help me to my feet. Oh well.......at least my epiphany gave me a reality check!
I long for the days of riding with my three best friends: Jack, Jamie, and Jill. Those were among some of the happiest times in my life. I will never forget the day I got dumped off of Jack due to a herd of deer. I was out ahead of J & J, galloping through the bottoms...........and the herd cut across the trail in front of me. Jack stopped dead in his tracks and I flew over it. Every time I think about it, I can hear J giggling behind me. Apparently, I had some serious "hang time" before slamming full force to the ground. I miss those days. Riding every day but sitting in traffic in a purple ranger with my red cowboy boots hanging out the window to get there. Mucking stalls to pay for my board all summer. Spending 12 hours a day leading trail rides and then, taking another out on Jack at dusk....swimming in the 17 ft deep "hole" in the creek.
Times have changed but there's no reason why I can't move forward and continue to be happy. Though this post may seem negative, it's not.
I am pretty darn happy overall.......watching my horses gallop across the snow as we went down to feed them this afternoon and realizing that winter will so be over and the ride season will be upon us.......that helped bring me out of the funk the epiphany brought on.
I do wonder about the saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same". I certainly hope so. Because I'd like to go back in time a bit.............
Starting with this little mare. J........keep your fingers crossed.
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