The Epiphany

I was flopped on the couch last night when I had an epiphany.  It took a snowstorm that dumped like 10 inches of snow on me for it to hit me.

I'm stuck in Missouri.......because I was doing for others.

I'm sure there is someone out there who is going to read this and call me a selfish bitch; but, I don't really care.  Truth is truth; and, yes, it really does hurt.

I spent years of my life training youth riders, providing therapy to those who other facilities would not take and providing quiet, safe family horses to people at reasonable prices.  For this, I've been called everything but "white" and accused of everything from lying to cheating to stealing to animal abuse.  I've turned the other cheek time and time again.  I always believed the people I was provided a service to at reasonable prices would be grateful or thankful or something.

Instead, when things don't go their way, they point fingers and make up lies.
Or, when they want to move on, they create accusations.

I'm not stupid.  People are not going to board their horses forever.  There comes a time in every students life when they are ready to move forward, move on, or just plain quit.  I can count the number of students who needed to move their horses or change disciplines who did so with dignity, grace, and remained in close contact to this day. 

The rest, I assume felt some kind of guilt.  It's human nature really, part of the psyche.  To preserve one's own comfort, equilibrium so to speak, you must lay blame on someone else.  This means you are free to move on, make a change, and the other person is the bad guy.

I'm not stupid.  I saw all of the moves to make me out to be the bad guy long before the person who was wanting to make a change even realized they were posturing.  Kids pushing the rules of the barn.  People suddenly going "trail riding" at a pay operation even though they owned a horse and never bothered to take their own horse out to a park or invest in a trailer.  Trashing my barn, stiffing me with vet and farrier bills, not paying their board.........but, I'm the bad guy.

I'm stuck here now, when I could have left years ago.  I always thought when "this day" came, I'd quietly retire and feel at peace.  As the snow fell, I had a great sense of loss and despair come over me.  In some ways, I feel like I wasted the last 12 yrs of my life.

Then, I shake it off and have to thank every last one of the people who screwed us out of board or abandoned 5 horses with us or moved out in the middle of the night.  Your idiotic behavior has led to a book which I hope to have out in hard copy by mid-summer.  Thank you.......without your thoughtless, unkind, immoral behavior, I would not have the material for the book!!!!

I resigned myself to the idea that I'm stuck in a small town where I have no friends nearby for at least another 5 yrs.  Little Bit is happy, happy here and THAT is important.  I'm excited she's looking at the liberal arts college down the street.  I'm ecstatic she wants to stay home in her "college pad' we're creating on the 2nd floor of this old house.  March 23rd we have a college day and hopefully, she'll get some great scholarship offers!!

It doesn't change the fact that I made life choices out of concern for people who would sooner kick me in the head than help me to my feet.  Oh well.......at least my epiphany gave me a reality check!

I long for the days of riding with my three best friends:  Jack, Jamie, and Jill.  Those were among some of the happiest times in my life.  I will never forget the day I got dumped off of Jack due to a herd of deer.  I was out ahead of J & J, galloping through the bottoms...........and the herd cut across the trail in front of me.  Jack stopped dead in his tracks and I flew over it.  Every time I think about it, I can hear J giggling behind me.  Apparently, I had some serious "hang time" before slamming full force to the ground.  I miss those days.  Riding every day but sitting in traffic in a purple ranger with my red cowboy boots hanging out the window to get there.  Mucking stalls to pay for my board all summer.  Spending 12 hours a day leading trail rides and then, taking another out on Jack at dusk....swimming in the 17 ft deep "hole" in the creek.

Times have changed but there's no reason why I can't move forward and continue to be happy.  Though this post may seem negative, it's not.
I am pretty darn happy overall.......watching my horses gallop across the snow as we went down to feed them this afternoon and realizing that winter will so be over and the ride season will be upon us.......that helped bring me out of the funk the epiphany brought on.

I do wonder about the saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same". I certainly hope so.  Because I'd like to go back in time a bit.............

Starting with this little mare.  J........keep your fingers crossed.

My Thing

We went out for seafood the other night and it reminded me of a conversation I had with someone several months ago.  The gist of the conversation was that "shrimp" was someone's "thing".....reserved for just that person.  I suppose the scampi was the trigger but I got to thinking about "things".

I am really glad my girls didn't get into this stupid concept.  "You can't barrel race, that's MY thing" or You can't wear a purple show shirt, that's MY color". 

I'm even more grateful that we don't have "my thing" with our kids.  While I respect spending time with each child individually and developing the mom-daughter or dad-daughter relationships, we strive to do things as a family.

Now, I have to admit, riding horses is a mom & little bit thing.  Not because Mr. P doesn't like to ride, it hurts his back............BADLY.  After just an hour in the saddle at a walk, he's in excruciating pain.  That means, riding is pretty much out for him.  He still helps us with the horses, admittedly with fewer horses......we don't need much help.  Little Bit feeds every day as her "job" so it's only the bigger stuff we rely on him for anymore.

As talking about the lack of "my thing", I realized the reason goes way back to when we were getting ready to get married and someone I respect very much gave us advice about our family and keeping our marriage strong .......especially as we add children to it.

He said, "Many couples start marriage and are just like their wedding ring a perfect circle with no end.  However, as they add children to that circle, they put them in the center, encircling them.  I urge you to bring your children to your circle but not inside of it.  Hold them close and become a family but never lose that circle of two."

I think we've done that............Mr P. is a wonderful man.  I cannot imagine my life without him.

I worry.......that ugly little stomach pain hit him a lot this year.  Stress is a trigger and we try hard to keep his stress to a minimum.  We don't push him to do "things" we know would stress him.

I guess what I'm saying is we don't have "my thing" in this house and we're happy that way.  We have "family things" and stuff we each like.  No one is ever excluded.

I'm really excited about spring........we have a new "thing" we're starting as a family and you'll just have to wait and see.............

Winter Weater Rant

My friends know I hate winter.
I don't know why I still live in Missouri.  I am miserable for then entire season.
Though this year, it was not as bad.......until yesterday.

I was responsible and went into work.  I got stuck there for 24 hours.
I'm not really complaining about it.  Someone had to do it.
It was not "hard".....just long and tiring.

Here's the rub though:  we knew this snow coming.
We knew it had the potential to create big issues.
Why couldn't the plow guy at work had some foresight to clear the parking lots a little better?

Mr. P has been clearing our driveway and sidewalks.  He's doing it with snow shovel.
People around us are using spades, leaf blowers, etc.  Why not just go out there with a teaspoon.

Then, there's the amount of time and resources that must be put towards getting the idiots who try to drive around in their itty bitty little cars in a foot of snow.  What the hell?

It's not like this snow was a surprise.  If you had to be at work....GO IN EARLY!
If you think you could get caught at work (like me).....PACK A BAG


I cannot believe how many people are so stupid and I still wonder:
WTH do I STILL live in Missouri

As our long term friends know, in April of last year, our family said good bye to the first horse my husband owned.

Shakes Wonder Girl was a gorgeous TWH mare with spunk, spirit, and flirty eyelashes she batted non-stop at Mr. P.  He laughs as he tells the tale of the day Gypsy decided she wanted to be in the barn with my colt and bolted.  He claims she took a corner, through a fence post on just one leg.

She was our first lesson horse when we opened our lesson program.  She survived a trailer accident.....her St. Francis of Assissi medallion falling from her halter to the right spot of her coronary band as her hoof got caught in the leaf spring of the trailer as a tired blew out and ripped up the side of our trailer.  She was an amazing teacher and carried little ones into the ribbons every time.  She was the mount for a rodeo "little miss" and wow-ed the crowd every time she was in public.  She attended the Bill Pickett Rodeo and high stepped it under her rider with some of the top walkers in the country.

She had the most gentle eye on a horse I have ever seen. She comforted me when my beloved Jack died, nuzzling me as I was in shock and rubbing her soft cheek against my cheek. 

 She taught BOTH of my girls to ride.....but she was Caroline's favorite mount.  Little Bit climbed up that mare's leg out in a field when she was just 3 years old and was found riding bareback in our pasture.  Our gypsy did everything in her power to make sure that baby did not fall off

I  regret not breeding her but I had a vision in 2008 in which I was told by a close friend who had passed, "Do not breed Gypsy.  She's far too tired and will have enough to do before her time comes." A few weeks before we put her down, this same friend appeared to me again in a dream and told me "It's Gypsy's time.  Send her home to me, I'm waiting for her."

A few weeks ago, I was scrolling through ads for saddles when I found an ad offering a trade:  any of these mares (with 6 different ones pictured) for saddles, tools, guns, or anything that does not eat.  I stared at the ad for a minute and closed it just as my mouse hovered over a pic.  I had to open the ad back up and take a closer look at the only black mare.

I stared at her and finally had to contact the man.  Something about that mare made me curious.
A phone call and an email confirmed it.  The black mare was a grand-daughter of our Gypsy.  I went out to see her, taking a very expensive show bridle and matching breast collar with me.  I stared into a very kind, somewhat familiar eye and I didn't care that she was unbroke and had the same knobby knee Gypsy did.  That knee and that quiet eye just endeared her to me more. I showed the man the bridle and breast collar set.  He nodded and we shook hands.

The little black mare is now happy in a stall at a local barn where I am working a couple days a week, assisting the trainer in exchange for her board.  She is gentle and soft and reminds me of our Gypsy in so many ways.  I don't mind hauling horse shit and working the lunge line for the trainer so the horses aren't so hot for the lesson kids.  She's worth it.

I'm pretty damn sure she was meant to be as her barn name is so much her own but very much just like that of Shake's Wonder Girl

Meet Zingara

Six Month Update

It's been 6 months since we first made the decision to close the ranch and began selling off the horses.  Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, missing that old life.  Most days, I'm very happy.  It's not meant as a slight against anyone to say that, it's just that I prayed very hard about things over the last several months....even back further than July.....and I really am much happier today than I was six months ago......for certain.......and even a year, two years, and longer.  Significant changes and accomplishments below:

• The only livestock left now are horses, the pony, and Harry Llama.  We found homes for the sheep last month...they are doing great.....and it's amazing just to worry about our own stock. We're looking to a fun spring and summer of just riding for our own amusement and enjoyment.  
• Though our winter is not over yet, Oreo is holding his weight this year.  Since his diagnosis of diabetes nearly 4 yrs ago, we've battled ups and downs with his weight.  He seems to have stabilized with a new grain and careful management of his exercise.  He's doing fabulous and our worries of him are lessening day after day.
• The house is coming along nicely.  It's only a rental but with free rein to fix it up as we see fit, it's feeling more and more like our home and less like a crash pad.  The master suite is well under way, with only one more room left to paint.  We hit Pier 1 Imports the other night to check out some home decor.  I might need a 2nd job to pay for all the wicked cool stuff I found. Also, my Christmas fish tank is finally up.  It's got a sucker fish, 2 fire platys and these awesome guys, balloon mollies.  It's also close to gardening time.  We're all excited about working on the patio and garden.
• Work is great.......for the most part.  I am not going to complain about the little drama that's been going on, this weekend may have leveled some of it out.  I know that pulling a night shift is not my gig.  The overtime is going to be sweet and I will jump right in to help again if duty calls, but I am in no way cut out for the graveyard shift!!  As far as my "regular duties", I love my role as therapist.  I have the best job....not only on our unit....but probably in the hospital.  I know that because I go to work someone's day is better.  My mere existence makes other people feel better, smile and laugh.  This is rewarding, fulfilling, and I normally wake up every day happy to go to work.  There have been a few challenging days  recently but what job does not have some challenges.  
• Harley did it!!!!  Yellow Dog is a certified therapy dog.  He will start work as soon as his documentation and paperwork is in order.  He loves to work.  He enjoys spending time with people who need love and support.  I am totally excited about how he may bring positive energy to work.
• PC is crazy busy with work and school.  I don't see her very often anymore between my work schedule and her school/work schedule.  It stinks. 
• Little Bit is continuing to thrive in school.  She's got a new crew of friends, is active in FFA and Choir, and grades are at the top of the class.  She also has very strong thoughts about a college.  We cannot be more thrilled.  Hopefully, the college can come up with the scholarships they anticipate offering.  She's also running for Miss Teen of Missouri again this year, by invitation.  
• Mr. P is happy with his new job.  It was touch and go for awhile.  Change is hard; even when you are the one in control of it.
• My books are well on the way to being published.  This is exciting for me and a long term labor of love.  If they sell well, things may really look up for us in the future.

I suppose that's where we are at this point..........realizing that changes was good for us, no matter how hard it's been.  It's been hard; but we are all happy.......ready for the next 6 months and the fun we hope to have.

Leo, the spotted balloon molly

Unsure what to call the other guy.

Yellow Dog on his way to his final certification test.

He did it!!!!

 Chaps and Romeo at feeding time at our new place, down by the barn & paddock

 Little Bit ready for Winter Homecoming

Is this the next Miss Teen of Missouri?

 Oreo in his stall, eating his new grain & holding his weight

Our master suite.....well under way

Sammy, pretty in pink, LOL

This was taken a couple weeks ago when the weather was fairly

and even though it was misting, we had a great ride down the Katy Trail

Girl Code

Does girl code exist among women?  I mean, we all have heard about "guy code".......we all know that guys respect the "ex-gf" as "off limits".  Men seem to respect the fact that their buddy's girl....though she may be hot and sweet and all that jazz, it's just wrong to go after that girl.

Women don't seem to have that same "code".  I've been watching some younglings lately and discussing this with other adults.  These half grown women-children think nothing of passing a guy around like a cute little puppy....pat it on the head and hand it to your friend when you're bored with it.

I'd hate to be the girl who went after my best friend's boyfriend.........stealing him away.....and ruining a friendship.  How can you look at the relationship every day and feel good about it????

Frustration

The last ten days have been nothing but frustrating.
As of last night, I thought I was going to implode.

There are several things frustrating me but I'm not going to go into them.
Instead, I am going to share the cure for MY frustration:  shoe shopping.

I tried on a pair of $279 pair of shoes.  They were very, very, very pretty.
And terribly overpriced as they were the most uncomfortable pair of shoes I've ever put on my feet.

I got to laughing about how ridiculous this was:  $279 can't buy you comfort
and like that.........my frustration was cured.

I realized the main source of my frustration is just like those shoes......and all is well