Then I realized, I have been very unbalanced. No, not "unstable". Unbalanced.....out of kilter......off.
I realized part of this is just my "winter blahs". I really should live somewhere warm all the time. Where I could ride down a jungle trail and gallop my horse in the warm ocean waves
Except I'd worry about sharks............
I spent some time near the water.......I realized though I am very happy in our new home, I miss the Missouri River. I spent a lot of time in Frontier Park, just staring at the River. I am an Aquarius and if I do not spend enough time near the water, my balance is off. I have found solace in Stephen's Park Lake. The island offers me comfort in a way I didn't know I needed. My inner goldfish swims happily...........sometimes I forget she's there, just about the time I remember, she's about belly up, gasping for air.........right now, she's swimming around, perfectly content.
Life doesn't always work out the way you plan........it's messy.....it's complicated....and it sucks.
My odd dreams were prepping me for the messy, complicated and suckiness of reality kicking in.
I'm not ready to share exactly what's up quite yet.....it's not mine to share. And, the story is really at the crux of the problem or the crossroads.........but it was just shitty.
Thankfully, for me.......I have a wonderful husband and we can handle the crap (most of the time)
Sometimes it gets to us.......we're human.......but as we are quickly approaching our 25th anniversary....
I realize we have overcome so many naysayers......Those who were sure we would divorce withing a couple years of graduating high school........the man who tried to pay my husband to get on a plane to anywhere instead of marrying me..........25 yrs is a long time compared to many of today's marriages and relationships........but sometimes it feels like it's only been days.......weird huh?
I also briefly mentioned recently making new friends......It's been kinda lonely here......especially with some whirlwind changes......some very painful........having new friends, non-judgmental friends who text every day just to say "Hi" and who can tell when a day is just YUCKY is really, really, really nice.
I could not make it through the days without my dear friend, Hound Dog.
Just like his namesake, he's friendly, loyal, trustworthy, honest, and faithful. I have been very blessed to have found such a good friend. He's a great listener........lets me vent........worries about things that bother me....let's me just be me.......it's been nearly two years since I have been able to be this comfy with someone outside of my family....I thank him for giving me faith in humans again.
Hound dog, if you're reading:
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Pssst....I hope that pic makes you smirk!!!
Green Eyes........I appreciate you so much........we have so much in common. I love how you laugh at the words I use and make fun of me........my life is so much better since our paths crossed.....I promise to quit calling you the other nickname........okay...only once in awhile....and I won't mention it here.....
You prefer, Green Eyes, right?
I also have to mention Mr. Freaky and Honey Bunches....I could not survive the daily grind without them. I LOVE LOVE LOVE laughing my happy arse end off in my office. We tend to get a little raucous but what the hell.......I'm grateful to have them both as friends!!!!
There are also my old friends.....Baby J and the SeaHag......both have been around lately....as well as a couple of even older ones........I was shocked today to have a conversation with someone I have not spoken to since my wedding day.......but this person is quietly watching from afar and has me in their prayers.....for this, I am grateful.....
Ok....so what do my friends have to do with goldish and other odd dreams......absolutely nothing and everything. My dreams are manifestations of the stress that is really trying to kill me........the crap I cannot control no matter how much I try......the best I can do is to deal with it and make it bearable........
Anyway........I've had some very very odd dreams recently......some during my Supermassive Blackhole weeks and some over the last couple of days.......and my friends are either making cameos with very sage advice (though I don't realize it's them until a few days after and I have an "AHA" moment) or things they say show up in my dreams.....
I had this crazy nightmare the other night........walking in a castle in the middle of Columbia, MO. Now, while some of the buildings on MIZZOU's campus may seem very castle-like, there certainly is not a Romanian style frightening castle plunked down square in the middle of The District........I was wandering around this stupid castle and sadly, I was stuck listening to Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"....it kept playing during transitions in the dream.........now THAT is a nightmare.......funny thing though if you listen to the lyrics there are so many elements of things that apply to my life or that have been smacking me in my little face lately......I suppose it was a good theme song for the dream:
So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can’t plant me in your penthouse
I’m going back to my plough
Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I’ve finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road
So....I'm wandering around this stupid castle and people I don't know are asking me questions I cannot answer. Every now and again, people I know.....ones I don't really consider friends, would pop up and make very odd statements. I would turn to walk away from them and they would turn into ghost-like figures......I would turn to run but they would block my way.....it would not be until one of my friends appeared the demons would turn tail and run........
My owl was there.....his call would chase them back....but could not keep them away
A snarling hound........huge stood at the end of one hall.......he wagged his tail and winked at me......his growls chased the demons from that hall.....but I was not sure I should go down it..........
Everyone I loved who has talked to me recently about things bugging me.....whether HUGE or minute.....was there.....offering safe haven.....but I wasn't sure in which hall I should turn
Then.....there was a huge opening.....a gate.....and everyone was standing together.......J was standing at the entrance....seated upon a blue eyed horse with a mane and tail made of gold.....
J pressed her finger to her lips and then her heart......and my owl took flight............
Elton John gave way to Stevie Nicks "Landslide"........
and suddenly, there was a thunderous sound behind me......the demons were being chased.....and trampled........every last one....stomped out
He is red and white......his love for me was greater than anything on earth......and he came to me.......knelt to the ground so I could mount.......he slowly took me out of the castle.....the moat....which when I went in was full of sharks.....was full of huge gorgeous goldfish........and the castle was melting away as we walked.......it was bleak and dark, cold and wintry when I entered.....but on the outside, it was sunny.....the world was full of cherry blossoms and pansies......and my friends.....were walking towards the sun.......J riding next to me.....her smile the one I remember from the days we rode together every day.....Green Eyes was sitting on a rock reading the newest Hamilton book,....raised a hand and waved.....Hound dog sitting on the edge of the moat winking at me.........and slowly, I looked down.....and my mount was red.....Sammy.......and Eve was cantering next to us.
I think I've figure it out.............
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