Here's To Kissing 2013 Good-Bye

I'm ready to put 2013 to bed........it wasn't a "bad year"
I definitely ENDED better than it started.
Here's hoping 2014 is going to a KICK ASS kinda year.

I'm planning on putting a HUGE ASS list of "To Dos" for 2014.

Immediately, we are going to be planning the Mc's Big Ass Bash to celebrate this monumental summer.
We have a college graduation, a high school graduation, 3 birthdays, and our 25th wedding anniversary.
We are planning a BIG ASS party.....location yet to be determined.
More than likely, we're going to head to St. Charles so we can invite family and old friends
Here's hoping our new friends will come...........

But........it could be we take over CoMO or Jeff or maybe even one of the parks here in Fulton and demand y'all just haul ass to us.......we're working on  this yet.

Date:  TBA

Anyway........I feel like there's a SIZZLE in the air....of good things to come. Here's to kissing 2013 goodbye and welcoming a HOT new year!!

Here's a little tribute......don't feel like listening, lyrics below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGb5IweiYG8


"Fever"

Never know how much I love you, never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear
You give me fever - when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight
Fever - in the the morning, fever all through the night.
Sun lights up the daytime, moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name, and you know I'm gonna treat you right
You give me fever - when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight
Fever - in the the morning, fever all through the night.

Everybody's got the fever, that is something you all know
Fever isn't such a new thing, fever started long ago.
Romeo loved Juliet, Juliet she felt the same
When he put his arms around her, he said "Julie baby you're my flame"
Thou givest fever, when we kisseth, fever with thy flaming youth
Fever - I'm afire, fever yea I burn forsooth.
Captain Smith and Pocahontas had a very mad affair
When her Daddy tried to kill him, she said "Daddy-O don't you dare"
Give me fever - with his kisses, fever when he holds me tight
Fever - I'm his Missus, Oh daddy won't you treat him right.

Now you've listened to my story, here's the point I have made:
Chicks were born to give you fever, be it Fahrenheit or Centigrade
They give you fever - when you kiss them, fever if you live and learn
Fever - till you sizzle, what a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.

Goldfish and Other Odd Dreams

I've been plagued with strange dreams lately.  Most have left me feeling much like that goldfish in the air.
Then I realized, I have been very unbalanced.  No, not "unstable".  Unbalanced.....out of kilter......off.

I realized part of this is just my "winter blahs".  I really should live somewhere warm all the time. Where I could ride down a jungle trail and gallop my horse in the warm ocean waves
Except I'd worry about sharks............

I spent some time near the water.......I realized though I am very happy in our new home, I miss the Missouri River.  I spent a lot of time in Frontier Park, just staring at the River.  I am an Aquarius and if I do not spend enough time near the water, my balance is off.  I have found solace in Stephen's Park Lake.  The island offers me comfort in a way I didn't know I needed.  My inner goldfish swims happily...........sometimes I forget she's there, just about the time I remember, she's about belly up, gasping for air.........right now, she's swimming around, perfectly content.

Life doesn't always work out the way you plan........it's messy.....it's complicated....and it sucks.
My odd dreams were prepping me for the messy, complicated and suckiness of reality kicking in.
I'm not ready to share exactly what's up quite yet.....it's not mine to share.  And, the story is really at the crux  of the problem or the crossroads.........but it was just shitty.

Thankfully, for me.......I have a wonderful husband and we can handle the crap (most of the time)
Sometimes it gets to us.......we're human.......but as we are quickly approaching our 25th anniversary....
I realize we have overcome so many naysayers......Those who were sure we would divorce withing a couple years of graduating high school........the man who tried to pay my husband to get on a plane to anywhere instead of marrying me..........25 yrs is a long time compared to many of today's marriages and relationships........but sometimes it feels like it's only been days.......weird huh?

I also briefly mentioned recently making new friends......It's been kinda lonely here......especially with some whirlwind changes......some very painful........having new friends, non-judgmental friends who text every day just to say "Hi" and who can tell when a day is just YUCKY is really, really, really nice.

I could not make it through the days without my dear friend, Hound Dog.

Just like his namesake, he's friendly, loyal, trustworthy, honest, and faithful.  I have been very blessed to have found such a good friend.  He's a great listener........lets me vent........worries about things that bother me....let's me just be me.......it's been nearly two years since I have been able to be this comfy with someone outside of my family....I thank him for giving me faith in humans again.

Hound dog, if you're reading:

Pssst....I hope that pic makes you smirk!!!

Green Eyes........I appreciate you so much........we have so much in common.  I love how you laugh at the words I use and make fun of me........my life is so much better since our paths crossed.....I promise to quit calling you the other nickname........okay...only once in awhile....and I won't mention it here.....

You prefer, Green Eyes, right?

I also have to mention Mr. Freaky and Honey Bunches....I could not survive the daily grind without them.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE laughing my happy arse end off in my office.  We tend to get a little raucous but what the hell.......I'm grateful to have them both as friends!!!!

There are also my old friends.....Baby J and the SeaHag......both have been around lately....as well as a couple of even older ones........I was shocked today to have a conversation with someone I have not spoken to since my wedding day.......but this person is quietly watching from afar and has me in their prayers.....for this, I am grateful.....

Ok....so what do my friends have to do with goldish and other odd dreams......absolutely nothing and everything.  My dreams are manifestations of the stress that is really trying to kill me........the crap I cannot control no matter how much I try......the best I can do is to deal with it and make it bearable........

Anyway........I've had some very very odd dreams recently......some during my Supermassive Blackhole weeks and some over the last couple of days.......and my friends are either making cameos with very sage advice (though I don't realize it's them until a few days after and I have an "AHA" moment) or things they say show up in my dreams.....

I had this crazy nightmare the other night........walking in a castle in the middle of Columbia, MO.  Now, while some of the buildings on MIZZOU's campus may seem very castle-like, there certainly is not a Romanian style frightening castle plunked down square in the middle of The District........I was wandering around this stupid castle and sadly, I was stuck listening to Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"....it kept playing during transitions in the dream.........now THAT is a nightmare.......funny thing though if you listen to the lyrics there are so many elements of things that apply to my life or that have been smacking me in my little face lately......I suppose it was a good theme song for the dream:

So goodbye yellow brick road

Where the dogs of society howl

You can’t plant me in your penthouse

I’m going back to my plough

Back to the howling old owl in the woods

Hunting the horny back toad

Oh I’ve finally decided my future lies

Beyond the yellow brick road

So....I'm wandering around this stupid castle and people I don't know are asking me questions I cannot answer. Every now and again, people I know.....ones I don't really consider friends, would pop up and make very odd statements. I would turn to walk away from them and they would turn into ghost-like figures......I would turn to run but they would block my way.....it would not be until one of my friends appeared the demons would turn tail and run........

My owl was there.....his call would chase them back....but could not keep them away

A snarling hound........huge stood at the end of one hall.......he wagged his tail and winked at me......his growls chased the demons from that hall.....but I was not sure I should go down it..........

Everyone I loved who has talked to me recently about things bugging me.....whether HUGE or minute.....was there.....offering safe haven.....but I wasn't sure in which hall I should turn

Then.....there was a huge opening.....a gate.....and everyone was standing together.......J was standing at the entrance....seated upon a blue eyed horse with a mane and tail made of gold.....

J pressed her finger to her lips and then her heart......and my owl took flight............

Elton John gave way to Stevie Nicks "Landslide"........

and suddenly, there was a thunderous sound behind me......the demons were being chased.....and trampled........every last one....stomped out

He is red and white......his love for me was greater than anything on earth......and he came to me.......knelt to the ground so I could mount.......he slowly took me out of the castle.....the moat....which when I went in was full of sharks.....was full of huge gorgeous goldfish........and the castle was melting away as we walked.......it was bleak and dark, cold and wintry when I entered.....but on the outside, it was sunny.....the world was full of cherry blossoms and pansies......and my friends.....were walking towards the sun.......J riding next to me.....her smile the one I remember from the days we rode together every day.....Green Eyes was sitting on a rock reading the newest Hamilton book,....raised a hand and waved.....Hound dog sitting on the edge of the moat winking at me.........and slowly, I looked down.....and my mount was red.....Sammy.......and Eve was cantering next to us.

I think I've figure it out.............

Enjoy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov1SOhwfbys

Love Me or Hate Me.........

When speaking to a new friend of mine, Hound Dog, I told him the following:

People either love me or hate me.  There is really no in between and I'm quite used to it.

He was surprised that anyone could hate me.  But trust me....there are plenty of people out there who do.....
Like my Canadian stalker........How you doing anyway girl?  Ain't seen you around lately......

Or my other stalker who continues to hit this blog 7-8x a day......

And.....after being sucked into the Supermassive Black Hole and spit out the other side, I once again realized there is a very fine line between love and hate.

Let me tell you a little story about it........there is someone out there who once professed UNDYING love for me.  I'm not going into too many details.....if you want it, BUY THE BOOK!!!  Anyway, shit hit the fan because this person could not resolve personal issues........the deep feelings this person changed in nature........trust me, there were still very strong emotions........but those were certainly not love.

I have been accused of being "too nice" and "allowing people to walk on me" because I'm "too nice".
Call it a character flaw........I honestly care about other people......

Let me explain it to those who care to listen.....I believe in the inherent good in people.....this doesn't mean that I do not believe in evil.....or that people are evil....I KNOW people can be evil....But...I don't believe people are BORN evil......I think they are made that way......whether something evil crawls into their brain and takes over......or if they are just kicked around so much no one ever cares about them enough to stop the evil....it doesn't really matter....I am not going to change WHO I am......

It doesn't matter how many times I get kicked around.....I will ALWAYS be the person who stops to pick up something for someone else.....or bring someone a cup of coffee to work "just because"......or the person who takes on an extra task.......it's just part of the person I am

I've also been called a "Brown noser" for this type of behavior....it's not that at all....it's that I CAN do it......I WANT to do it.......and the other person has a NEED.......

Just a little more about this.....I ENJOY doing things for other people.....I DO NOT RESENT IT.....
What I RESENT is other people putting THEIR feelings ON me........

Let me say this....I know how to say "NO"......I'm very good at it.....I just often CHOOSE not to.....
Please tell me WHY I should say "no" to someone when what they are asking will not hurt me, them, or anyone else?  Yeah........get back to me when you have a logical reply........

Let's change tunes for a minute...........I am a nice person........but.......I also choose to keep my wicked temper under control.  I came into this world kicking and screaming......if you don't believe me, ask my father.  Ask Polyester.  I am tough, mean fighter when I have to be..........and I fight dirty.  Point, I keep myself on a chain on purpose.......it's a nicer world when you choose to LOVE rather than HATE.

Love me or hate me......it really doesn't matter.......because you're not indifferent........either way, I'm on your mind so I win........HA!!!

However, for my haters.........maybe you should think about the things that drive my moral compass.....as I've said before, it doesn't always point due North.......but it's no where near the South either......

Yep........I really TRY to live my life this way.......When I say "I love you" to someone, I mean it.  I believe that we were meant to love one another.  It's not wrong to love another person......it's never wrong to love them.  Even if that's for a short time.......or a lifetime......

Trust......yeah...that's a different story....I've trusted the wrong people repeatedly but ....that's a tricky one.

Doing wrong to none.......that ensures you can sleep at night........trust me, when I've done something wrong....and I did it on purpose....I don't sleep and I personally have to fix it........

I guess that means, if you ever hear "I love you" come out of my mouth, you need to understand it's not just lip service.  Below is one more piece of my personal belief system and why I feel like I've landed in a great place with my job..........As the New Year quickly approaches, this little nugget will be my resolution and when I go back to work later this week, it will be my daily goal:

Supermassive Black Hole

The last 2 weeks have felt very much like being sucked into a black hole........with no way out.
Scary thing about black holes is they are quite beautiful and you don't realize how dangerous they are.

Yes......I'm kind of feeling that way about the people involved in my personal Supermassive Black Hole.

It took an old friend to remind me that I am much stronger than any black hole out there......
In 2008, I lost my best friend in the world.  He and I spent two very private hours together in which he snuggled me and I knew that he love me more than anything in the world.  3 hours later, he was dead.

I thought I was going to die too.  I felt as if a piece of my soul was gone and I didn't know what to do.
Later that day, the biggest owl I've ever seen showed up at our farm.  It's an unusual creature.  First of all, he's HUGE barn owl but much larger than one I've ever seen.  Additionally, he's got a paint horse on his chest.......the perfect shape of one.

This owl does not live in Moscow Mills among the old trees there........he has been seen in Montgomery City and Friday morning, he was sitting on my porch.

Can you see him?  He's sitting about 90 feet up and that's zoomed.

Now, many people see the owl as an omen of something bad ....foreboding. When he first arrived, I was told the same thing and I was terrified.  He sat in my Jack's stall looking at the house and calling.  Finally, I went out and told him "shoooo".  Instead, he hopped down and walked towards me.  I was beyond scared.

I ran and called the Cherokee medicine man who helped me with Jack's injuries and healing.  He told me not to fear my owl and taught me to embrace owl and my heritage.  He scolded me for not remembering.  It was then my dreams began and I was able to heal from losing Jack.........

http://www.cherokee.org/AboutTheNation/Culture/General/TheTraditionalBeliefSystem.aspx

I do not fear my owl...I find it quite significant that my owl is red and white.  I thanked my owl for coming to remind me to not allow myself to forget who I am and where I have come from.

I think I've not had enough time in the woods, near the water and the rocks and with my horses.  I miss my mustang.  The Lady Eve is quite the angel.  I miss burying my face in her neck and getting lost in the scent of her.  I miss her rubbing her face against mine and her soft husky nicker.  I miss my Sammy and taking off into the woods........knowing he will bring me home safe and sound every time.

Winter is so hard on me and this year its really tough.  I am so happy with where our horses are.  Our barn owners are amazing.  My horses are in such good hands........I do not worry that I have not personally laid eyes on them in 6 days.  Little Bit has seen them and I don't panic with them out there.  But, my soul is not well........I am going to have to figure out how to get them to an arena for some saddle time with these short days and dark cold nights.

Ok........so this black hole........I came out the other side.......but I'm not sure how to fix the damage that has been done.......

Damage that I had nothing to do with.............

Funny thing about the black hole is before I got sucked into it, I also got trucked by a cosmic bus, thrown under it by people who claim to be my friends.  I am not going to go into details because public shaming is not my thing.  While I would love to put them in virtual stocks and let some of my real friends throw fruit at them.....it's not going to make things any better.

I don't mind sharing some of what has happened:
I was lied about.......  Things I NEVER said...words put in my mouth to CYA other's butts....and this has now caused huge TRUST issues with people who held me in high regard and with respect.....now they look at me funny.  How can I repair something like that without it looking like a case of "me think the lady doth protest too much?"    My answer:   SAYING NOTHING AT ALL and PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN
I figure if the people looking at me differently want to broach the subject, they will.
Until then, I'll pretend I don't notice them looking at me different.

I was accused of stealing things.  Not just stealing them....but stealing them to prevent other people from doing something.  For the record, the things I "stole" were my own belongings.  I'm not sure how you steal your own stuff......but apparently it's possible.  Anyway....the reason for me "taking" my own stuff....is there are not enough hours in the day and I needed to sit at my dining room table to finish a project.  A project I was doing for EVERYONE and for other people.  I really, really, really LOVED being accused of stealing when I was doing something nice.

On that same note, I was accused of "not being a team player".......but it was more than that.  I was accused of this because I said "NO".  Mind you, I was directly TOLD to say "NO".  Now that I am saying "NO", I am not only a NOT a team playing but I'm also a "mean, vicious bitch".

I received 3 notes under my office door over the last two weeks.  ALL of them were typed and unsigned......now, this is the sign of a coward.  I don't believe for 1 minute it was 3 different people.  Quite frankly, I believe it was a "team" effort.  Especially since one note stated: "Everyone hates you.  Your a sutck up bitch and your not that special.  You think your the only one who can do your job. Anyone can do it."

No....those aren't MY typos.  That's the grammatical errors in the typed letter.  Whomever typed it doesn't know how to use spell check or have enough sense to know that "your" and "you're" are homophones.  I have my suspects as to who typed this and slipped it under my door.

My desk was gone into and personal items removed without asking.  My friends know that I will give a stranger anything they need.  EVERYONE who truly knows me has told me for my entire life that I am TOO GENEROUS.  So....in a way.....it's kind of amusing that people felt they had to go jack things from my desk.  I guess I'd laugh about it if I wasn't hurt about the lack of respect.

Maybe people think I'm just butthurt.........maybe I am........but it really hurt.  It stung....until my owl showing up and reminded me who I am..........

In reality, there may have been irreparable damage done to relationships. Professional opinions may have changes.  Friendships may have been permanently changed.  Thing about burned bridges, they can be rebuilt......it's just a long tedious process...........it's painful.  You might get splinters.

But.......in order for that to happen, you have to kick the rubble out of the way.  I decided Friday, I would do that.  I gathered up the trash, the pieces of broken wood and burned ashes and threw them into the river, letting the water take them down stream........washing away the ugliness.

Yes......I've purged here.  Sometimes you have to so you don't hold all the icky inside.........

As my friends know......my beloved Jack not only lives in my heart and gallops into my dreams when I need him......but he lives on my left shoulder blade.....I spent years on his back....now he will spend the rest of his life on mine............and when my Sam and Eve leave this world to gallop with him, they will join him on my back.......it's an unfinished piece of art........which will eventually take up my whole back....Sam on my right and Evie in the middle....with a fence rail until them and shamrock wrapping the posts....... I hope I'm 114 before I need to finish it.........

But I've been thinking about how to keep my demons away....whether they are real or imagined and I think perhaps a I need an owl for protection.......and red and white one...........Guess once Little Bit is done.....Mom needs to go back to see Adya!

All he needs is a paint horse on his chest!

Glitter is like Herpes..........

This is in celebration of the season.

And..........the one yr anniversary of me being Ground Zero for the Glitter Pandemic

Oh yes, I am the Numero Uno Glitter Herp.........

You see, a year ago, someone came into my office while I was quietly finishing up projects.....beautiful bells and ornaments with coping skills for "Dealing with Depression" written on them.  The were sparkly and spangly and even purposeful.  I had Christmas music playing and was so pleased as no arts and crafts supplies were spilled on my desk.....or the carpet

Sadly, no one bothered to warn me about the person who sneaked into my office and crept up behind me to ask

 "HEY CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?"

He basically yelled it and I about had a heart attack.....

Friends will tell you, I tend to scream and throw my hands in the air when scared.  This was no different.
What was different........I was holding a 1 pound container of glitter.......an OPEN one pound container of glitter.

It was a glitter party!!!!

Except it was TOTALLY UNPLANNED & JUST FOR 1

And....it really didn't look anything like this at all

It looked more like this

All over the floor.......the carpet, the chair, my desk, the keyboard, and oh yes, ME

I am not so lucky that it would magically turn me into some kind of sexy fairy or something or even strategically fall in the right place.......if glitter as a RIGHT place on the human body 

(Shhhhh....we're not discussing that right now)

So..........NO, I didn't end up looking amazing

I also didn't realize that come the next morning, even though I spent HOURS cleaning up the glitter......BTW....TAPE.......if you spill glitter.....TAPE or a lint roller works really, really well for getting it off the carpet and the office furniture.........anyway, it was all over the workplace that ***I**** use .....

GASP.................

(For the full effect, say those glitters like echoes getting further away..it's really nifty!!)

Fast forward a year............yes folks....I still sparkle and spangly and use glitter.  I also STILL clean up after myself.......contrary to RUMORS and MEAN PEOPLE. I'm STILL you know where all because of a little....well you know:

Glitter may be the herpes of the arts and crafts world but it's also one hell of a mood improvement motivator.
You may as well just get used to it because me and my glitter are not going anywhere.

Oh Holy Almost a Month

Wow!!  It's almost been a month since I've had a chance to update.
It's been a busy 3+ weeks.

The hustle and bustle of the season has crept up on us.  We are soooooo NOT ready.
We didn't even get to decorate the house.
Somehow, we're missing an entire box of Christmas lights and evergreen.
I think it got damaged in the move from the Mushroom Mess to Fulton
The strands we had, all but one measly red, white and blue set, were dead.
This means we have our mantle decorated.
We also once again went with a small tree......HIGH HIGH HIGH up on a table

This would be.........due to our new puppy
Why in the heck is it that every Christmas, we seem to have a puppy in the house......either ours or a foster?

This year, it's a mastiff X named Henry.  He's available for adoption right now.  However, that may not be the case as his training progresses.  He is truly a smart and willing to please puppy.  His biggest issue is he wants to RUN in the house.  He's learned the command "WALK" and he slows.......for all of about 3 secs.
He's really quite sweet and truly wants to be a good boy.  He sits and lays down on command.  He gets up every morning at the exact same time (5:45 on the dot) wanting to go out.  He grabs his leash and heads right for the door.  He is an exceptional puppy for a creature only 4 mos old.

Anyway, I totally digressed there..........back to the "Holidays".  I'm sooooooooooooo not ready for Christmas this year.  I promised myself that I would get ready "all year long" and THAT did not happen.  Now, I'm kicking myself.  In fact, in just a few short minutes, I'll be heading to CoMo with LB, she's got a State Choir practice for a few hours and I'm going to try to do some Xmas shopping.  Funny thing about my Xmas shopping.  Every year....every single year....since she was born.....PC is ALWAYS done 1st.  I have no idea why.  She is easy to buy for I guess.  I don't know what it is but that's just how it is.  As of 2 weeks ago, she was the ONLY one I had anything bought for........what the heck????  

Years ago, when gifts would be wrapped and put out, LB noticed that PC had packages and she didn't.  She was CONVINCED we loved PC more than her.  Goofy.

I'm really not feeling it this year.  I have my earbuds in and have cranked up the Xmas tunes in an attempt to put myself "in the mood"........on that:

IT AIN'T WORKING!!!!!!!!!!

Ok....for my close friends, I know you are laughing.......yes Seahag....I am pointedly talking RIGHT AT YOU and BabyJ, you are pretty much being addressed as well........you all know that at least PART of this BAH HUMBUG is because of..........wait for it.........wait for it........

I know....I know....this is what everyone else sees when it starts to snow....the world is transformed into some kind of magical place.  I got news for, Sugar Plums...........this is what HELL looks like.

Hellfire and brimstone......no way........Hell will be a never ending winter with constant snowfall and everyone around me talking about how wonderful it is, getting ready to go ice skating and skiing and all that other crap y'all think is wicked fun.

When did this intense hatred of winter start?  When I took my 1st breath.....ok, maybe it was not THAT long ago.....but here's a little story about Miss Mendy and winter.....

My adorable little sister and I were taken to Art Hill in Forest Park in St. Louis to go sledding.  We went careening down that damn hill, heading straight for the lake at the bottom.  We had no control.  We knocked over several people.  She was screaming her little head off.  I couldn't control the effn sled.  I tried to stop it by putting my hand down (I was 5 or 6, give me a break) and cut my hand.  Some old dude stopped us but we knocked him in and we went in anyway.  I can't remember if Susie in her cute pink snow suit actually went in on not but I did.  I got soaked.  Susie was sobbing and I got yelled at.  This is just ONE of my oh so fond memories of me in the snow.

Yeah folks, winter and I do NOT agree.  Never have.

I'd like to try this.......Just once......Maybe I would hate it

Probably not :)
That looks like heaven on earth and a hell of a great way to spent the holidays!!

Ok......so having said that, how amusing is it that I had a dream about going strolling at Stephens Lake Park in a snowfall???  I must be going crazy.  Crazy like a fox .......or is that a Vixen.  Look, if the snow was not slippery or cold, maybe I'd feel differently.   According to the Seahag, snow can be warm.  In my dream it was.  Happy?  I did wake up smiling?  ;)

And NO.......NO .......NO......I am NOT NOT NOT NOT.....doing the Polar Plunge for Charity in the Lake .........STOP ASKING.........my arse is soooooo not jumping in a freezing cold lake for nothing.  It's not that I don't believe in charity work........but that is asking way too much of me.

Okay, time to get ready to brave the temps and the crowds and act happy.
Think I can do it??